Why I am Selling

To all of those nice people good enough to e-mail me and ask why I am selling:

It's not so much the noxious clouds of smoke or the neutron-glow, although in combination the two seem to have killed our house plants; it may a little more be the gamma rays. The neighbor claims the ray killed his dog, but I don't believe it. After it warms up, the zapping and crackling sounds can barely be heard, and the ozone smell subsides after a few days -- the fact that the street lights no longer dim is, I am sure, pure coincidence, as are the thwump!-ing sounds coming from the loudspeakers. Much like the crackle and pop of vinyl, you can hear the pure music right through these little noises. No, I am selling it because I found something only slightly better -- and, given that I had to pay 200 times as much to get it, I suggest you buy mine right now! (Please allow a week after the auction closes for the unit to return to room temperature).