If you have not done so already, I urge you, as strongly as I possibly can, to seek professional assistance to address your feelings. Your reaction is completely understandable, but with the right help to sort out your grief and work through the pain, I'm betting you can begin to see music in a new light -- as the thing that sustained your son and one of the intangible, beautiful things that make life a gift for which we all should be grateful.
Please -- seek out a professional grief counselor. You do not have to work through this alone.
Please -- seek out a professional grief counselor. You do not have to work through this alone.