My love of music is killing me.

If you have not done so already, I urge you, as strongly as I possibly can, to seek professional assistance to address your feelings. Your reaction is completely understandable, but with the right help to sort out your grief and work through the pain, I'm betting you can begin to see music in a new light -- as the thing that sustained your son and one of the intangible, beautiful things that make life a gift for which we all should be grateful.

Please -- seek out a professional grief counselor. You do not have to work through this alone.

Hi Dean_fuller,

That's a sad story and many of us have been through heart breaking sadness in our lives. Having lost a child to MD and a wife of 25 years to cancer, I feel your pain. I would like you to know that your loved one would have wanted you to enjoy life and remember all of the goods about them! I'm sure your son was a wonderful talented individual whom loved you dearly. He wouldn't have wanted his father to give up his love for music. I will also share that a year and a half seams like a lifetime. However, as time passes it does get easier. Grieving is a process that isn't the same for every person. May G-D bless you and your family in dealing with the loss of your loved one. You are in my prayers and thoughts during this time of need.

I may sound a little cold but, yes, please allow someone else to share your pain and loss. Part of you wants to die as well, don't let it become too powerful.
Grief counselor would not be enough; if you decide to follow this path you should find a psychoanalytic psychotherapist or psychoanalyst. What you would want from this person requires high qualification.

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's not fair, and what a difficult thing to not only outlive your own son, but to watch him suffer for so long. I lost my dad to cancer and spent his last month with him, and also held his hand upon his last breath. It was mercifully brief, but the suffering left a scar in the deepest parts of me. That was over three years ago. I can tell you based on my own experience that the pain does not go away, but it does get gradually better over time. Life somehow goes back to some different version of "normal" that includes that hole you so rightfully observe as being too large to fill. It's wonderful that you've shared this so openly with the community and I'm touched by your post as well as all the kind and caring responses thus far. I just wanted to add one more cyber-hug to the group and remind you to treasure the memories you have of your son that will never be lost, and to keep sharing the memories and the feelings with others as you have here...counselor, friend, family, or strangers... and don't worry about the music...it will come to you or not. I suspect it eventually will, though it may never be quite the same. Keep your strength.

I am incredibly sorry for your loss.

I use to feel that way when I heard music my parents loved or songs that brought back memories of past loves, special moments and general happy times of the past. For what ever reason....time I guess, it does get easier and now I look forward to reminiscing and take great joy in reliving all of the memories that made me who I am today.

You are a composite of all that you have experienced. The good and the unpleasant. It is in tragedy and in bliss that we really know/feel we are alive.

The best way to honor yourself and the memory of your son is to embrace the music you shared and loved. Listen with a 'new perspective', one that embraces all that it is to be human and to take pleasure in the music you had in common. Let yourself feel free to sob uncontrollably while you listen and realize that this is a part of the grieving process. It will pass and once you get that initial weight off of your chest and the lump in your throat disappears you will find that you will look forward to hearing that music again but now you will only have pleasant thoughts and warm remembrances of the special hobby and music you shared. This 'new perspective' will allow you to have a positive experience when you re-visit your music collection.

This has been my experience and yours may not be the same. It used to break my heart to hear certain songs because the emotions tied to them were sooo strong. That has passed and now I even increase the volume and now I am able to get myself into a spiritual "happy place" during those listening sessions. The tears have been replaced with smiles laughter and warm comforting thoughts.

I would suggest that Devon would not want you to give up on your "lifelong love of music" anymore than you would have wanted him to forego listening if it were you that had gotten sick and passed.

I realise that sometimes it is easier said than done. Speaking from experience, I have done it and as I mentioned above your experience may vary.

I challenge you to put on your favorite songs, crank up the volume and raise a glass to Devon and in his memory enjoy the heck out of that music. He will be listening with joy!

I will offer up a special prayer for you tonight. Peace!