I'm so sorry for your loss. It's not fair, and what a difficult thing to not only outlive your own son, but to watch him suffer for so long. I lost my dad to cancer and spent his last month with him, and also held his hand upon his last breath. It was mercifully brief, but the suffering left a scar in the deepest parts of me. That was over three years ago. I can tell you based on my own experience that the pain does not go away, but it does get gradually better over time. Life somehow goes back to some different version of "normal" that includes that hole you so rightfully observe as being too large to fill. It's wonderful that you've shared this so openly with the community and I'm touched by your post as well as all the kind and caring responses thus far. I just wanted to add one more cyber-hug to the group and remind you to treasure the memories you have of your son that will never be lost, and to keep sharing the memories and the feelings with others as you have here...counselor, friend, family, or strangers... and don't worry about the music...it will come to you or not. I suspect it eventually will, though it may never be quite the same. Keep your strength.