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My love of music is killing me.

I have been a music lover my entire life but now at age 51 I just can't listen without falling into a deep depression. My oldest son Devon inherited my love for music and took it even further. By age 25 he was a VERY talented guitar, bass player. We use to take turns playing tracks for each other just to broaden our herizons....but his gone now. I lost Devon 11-27-09 after a 6 year battle with cancer. I held his hand as he passed that night. The illness took everything but his love of music. His right cheek bone, right upper jaw bone, a rib, muscles in his abdomen and back,sight from his right eye...and finally his life....I could do nothing but watch....wishing it was me laying there going through that hell. Its been a year and a half now...his birthday will be next week. He would of been 29. Now when I listen to music I cry instead of smile. May be one day the joy will return but for now there is a hole too large to fill.

Hug your kids....Pease.
dean_fuller
dlr
195 posts
 
You definitely have my condolences. When my mom disappeared and it was becoming evident that she was probably dead, it helped to be around the living. It was suggested that I take some time off from coaching but I felt a bunch of laughing kids would make things easier, which it did. So I suggest some balance. Don't go the hermit road. Listening to my parents' favorite music still saddens me but it did help with the mourning process. So do both. JMHO and experience. Will be praying for you. Dan
orpheus10
5,988 posts
 
Too much grief can destroy what you have left, and at your age you have a lot left. When the hole is too deep, you need professional help to get out, please seek it.
rar1's avatar
rar1
1,578 posts
 
There are those days I want to scream. There are those days I want to cry. I lost my grandson 4 years ago to bone cancer. He was 7 years and 8 months old to the day. The pain doesn't go away. It hurts less, but bothers me more. I think about him every day. Life goes on, because that's just how it is. Talking about it helps, which is why a trained therapist will help. It will get better, not necessarily worlds better, but better enough so you can move on. It takes time. Thank you for reaching out.

Rich
chadnliz
3,736 posts
 
I cant imagine your pain but many here are with you in spirit or more if you need to reach out. With some time and help I hope you can find peace and joy in music once again, listen to music you both shared could one day be a uplifting experience bringing back memories of laughter and joy. He would want that for you just as sure as you would want that for him. Maybe till you get to that point try and listen to exclusively new music, perhaps that will keep your love of music alive while avoiding pain till you have time and help to work through this incredible pain. You know myself and others are here for a phone call or email so by all means reachout. The loss of a son or any loved one is a tragedy but to stop living yourself is perhaps more tragic, your son sadly wasnt in control of his destiny but you my friend are and as survivors we owe it to those who passed to live life to the fullest. Godspeed
bander's avatar
bander
334 posts
 
Dean, please accept my deepest condolences. Your grief is appropriate considering that your son died less than 2 years ago. People do get 'stuck' in the bereavement process and it would be a positive step to seek out others who share your experience. We all need a witness to our pain and seeing a grief counselor either solo or within a group can bring much needed respite.
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