Record-playing Rituals?

Run in a circle 5 times, breathing as much as possible through your nose, kind of like snorting. You must be in the center of the listening room. Then go to the bathroom and pee, at least a little. Wash your hands very thoroughly and cue up the record. Sit down and relax, but be wary of foriegn scents.

That's ridiculous, Mechans. You have to be in the sweet spot of the speakers, not the middle of the room. Try it - upon exiting the bathroom, you'll immediately experience a blacker background, and extended, sweeter highs.
What I do is dry-brush before play, (Acoustech Big Brush), and clean the stylus. Unless someone is looking. Then I merely dry brush the record so as not to look too fussy or compulsive.
New or used records get a few spins in the Spin Clean. Repeat every five or ten years.

Beer...friends...volume....repeat.

IMO, there are only three types of records to clean:

1. Used, prior to the first play
2. New, if they come from the pressing plant with hints of distortion (rare)
3. 30 or more plays

I use a Spin Clean because they're inexpensive and work well. The only issue I encountered was static build up. Of course you can purchase a Zero Stat, but what fun is that? So I built a contraption while unemployed a couple of years ago out of scraps in a NYC apartment. It kept my mind moving and entertained for a week. It's become a conversation piece, every time someone comes over, I get the, "what the hell is that thing". Think of the original Willie Wonka...

VIP 16.5 on new or used w distilled h2o, their cleaning detergent/wetting agent aliquot and 20% isopropyl. Then each time, the static gun from maple shade and a discwasher, then static gun and hunt eda brusg. Anti static gun gets pulled and released at least 2 x per lp revolution while either brush engaged. Then old audio technica sonic stylus brush slowly from back to front (my hands not steady since childhood so this is a long slow sweep, afraid to linger as I might damage cantilever). Then drop lever and run to chair.