About Lugnut -- Patrick Malone

"Women always want to know what we're thinking. They always want to know what's going on up there in our heads while we're just sitting there, being quiet. Uh...nothing."
--Jerry Seinfeld

"Man's best friend is his dog because he always wants his friends to be dummer than he is. Women want the same thing, too. But that's why they have men."
--Bill Engvall

Go Lance!
Go Pat!

Hi Pat,

I have been away from the site for a week or so, and had not read your post from the 28th. I wish I would have read it earlier, but now is better than never.

I full understand your feelings on this one. Letting go of the control over your life is hard, but believe me, you never had it. God never actually gave you the wheel of the car, you just thought he did. I learned this 25 years ago when I went through treatment for alcoholism. It took me years to learn how to stop trying to drive my life, but I did figure it out. I have learned to ask God for the ability to except and grow/learn from the life that I’m living. He by the way is not driving either, life is an experience, and we are all part of that experience. The experience is that of living within the creation God made. We enter life (the experiencing of the creation) as individual souls. The life that opens before us is the experience we are having. It ebbs and flows, like a river. Some times we get stuck in one place like an eddy, other times our lives flow quite quickly. At no time does the water or God control the river, but events around it may cause change. If it rains upstream, the increased flow could change quite a bit of the structure of the river, but no one controls the outcome.

My life is like that. I can no more control my health or my reaction to events than I can control the sun from rising. In fact when I look back on the times I was in fact driving, I can see they coincide with some of the biggest mistakes I’ve made in life.
What I try to do is not ask for a direction or outcome, but rather the strength to carry on with what I am faced with. If I had chosen not to except and grow, I would have taken my life long ago.

What you are living through is unimaginable and unthinkable for all of us. You can not control the disease, but you can learn to move forward with it. Yes you may lose interest in a lot of things, maybe everything. That’s ok; you are initialed to these feelings. The point is you wake up each day and do the best you can. If that is not up to your self imposed standard, oh well! Accept it, this is the best you can do. No one expects any more from you than that which you can give. Acceptance is hard for someone as active as you are. Ask for that strength, to except where you are. You may not feel your doing well, or that you are not being as important a piece of others life as before. But in fact that is not at all accurate. Sense your illness struck you, which you clearly were not controlling, you have become the beacon so many are drawn to. As Kelly wrote, you became an ancient tree, sprouted from a place only a few had seen. Now you have grown to become visible to all of us, world wide!

The fact is, you have not been controlling the direction of your life for a very long time, and during this time you have enriched hundreds of lives. In that vane, you would be grateful for the wonderful gift your life has become. What I have recently learned is it’s ok to be grateful and angry at the same time, over the same thing.

I grieve for my lost physical abilities, I’m angry for my limitations, I’m lonely in my pain, I’m scared of the unknown and yet I’m grateful for the things I have. Family, friends, God and the profound impact my life has had on so many people. Rejoice in the gifts you give every day, for you are the blessed one.

JD

P.S. Happy 4th

It seems Lance is in control.

I had to resume the pain meds on Sunday so I'm not going to write a lot. I'm sort of ripped from it but after a few days I'll not be having that benefit. S*#t.

Went to the doc today and will begin another chemo regimine tomorrow afternoon. This drug is Irinotecan (Camptosar). It should help as long as my body doesn't have a negative reaction to it. Don't know and didn't ask how long it might work. I did ask how long I would have if I did no drugs. With sadness on his face he said, "Two months". I think those two words should give you guys a pretty good indication of how I'm doing. For two days now I have successfully controlled most of the pain. During this time I haven't listened to any music. Albert called, Frank Shroder called and Larry Howkins called. I enjoyed talking to each of them so I still have some zest for life. Of course, Barb is still very interesting.

Go Lance.

Forget about Lance - Go Patrick!

Maybe yesterday's post was a little too matter of fact. I did the chemo today and seem okay with it. I do hope it helps. I'd love to feel well enough to go to the Audio Fest and get to spend some time again with Frank. Besides, there would probably be a bunch of you guys there that I haven't yet met.

I'd like you guys to keep this thing in perspective. I'm not miserable. I'm uncomfortable at times and a lot of things that are unique to cancer and the various medications cause me some grief but it's not that big a deal. Honest. If this was just some sickness in passing then it would be no big deal to wait it out and get better. I can rise to the occassion whenever the phone rings or I have a visitor. I still enjoy both. Left to my own devices by myself I just want to lay down and rest. In better times I'd be listening and cleaning vinyl if nothing else.

I've reduced my list of things to do to a very short and do-able one. So, I'm going to stop feeling miserable about not finishing things up. I'm also growing up some. Meaning that I'm not responsible for things the cancer either makes me do or not do.

Remember to not take today for granted. Make the most of it and reach out to someone you love NOW! Those of you that have followed this thread closely must realize that my circumstances have made it possible for me to mend fences, reaffirm love and find peace. Sure, maybe a heart attack or fatal stroke would be easier to endure but remember that you won't have the time to make things right if that is how God chooses to take you home. Make things right for yourself and others now while you have time. Life will be more robust and pleasurable for doing so. I don't want to preach to you about this and I certianly don't want to come across as some old guru sitting on a hilltop. It's just that the things I speak of have unfolded for me and I want very much for you to gain from this. You won't be taking one single thing with you when you go but you'll be leaving a lot behind. Let your legacy be one that made peace.

Go Lance!