Is my DVD player POSSESSED?

I referred your question to "Ask Dr. Science" on PBS radio (who also writes for "Funny Times"). He replied:

"Yes, actually, your DVD player IS possessed. Digital audio and video products were developed as the result of a pact between the Devil and the major electronics manufacturers.

Although it is not widely known, DVD's do not actually have millions of tiny little pits on their surface which are read by lasers, nor do they use DAC's to convert the picture and sound into analog form. These technological explanations were devised to mislead gullible humans who refuse to believe that the Devil is real and often affects our daily lives (think what he did during the last Presidential election...).

DVD's, infact, are an invention of the Devil, and they rely on a fiendishly clever method of burning a 2-layer message into the plastic medium. (How else is the Devil going to do this but burn it in? This same method was invented by Satan to produce the 2-layer SACD disks at $30 apiece, which have caused high-end audio paranoia everywhere, but that's another story.)

The DVD contains both a movie from Hollywood (known by many to be a place of iniquity), AND a subliminal message by the Devil encouraging consumers to buy cell phones, MP3 units, and Personal Digital Assistants (for those whose lives are WAY too complicated, and require supernatural assistance to remember everyday information).

Occassionally, the Devil's subliminal DVD message is so distasteful that it causes the DVD player to malfunction. In an effort to purify itself, the player spits out the corrupted disk, the same way you would spit out something that tasted bad. The DVD player, having only a small, weak motor, is only able to reject the disk, since it lacks the human ability for projectile vomiting. Only the best DVD players are able to detect the majority of these vile, contaminated DVD disks, so it is understandable that a fine unit like the Theta rejects many of the disks you try to play.

There are only two solutions to your problem: return the DVD player to the Theta factory, and wait for 6 weeks while the player undergoes an exorcism ceremony, or sell the Theta and buy a really cheap $149 Sony DVD player, which lacks the discrimination to tell good from bad."

I hope you realize how fortunate you were to get audio advice on such short notice from Dr. Science. He wishes you the best of luck in trying to solve your problem.

Glen, what's up. I ran into the same problem with my Sony dvp-s9000es player, it plays part way through the DVD until a certain spot and then it shuts down and spits the disc out, HUH???? I tried it in both my parents and my brothers player and it works fine, I have no clue what is happening. But I have not seen the end of the movie contact in 6 months or so, kinda weird.

Thanks SD and be sure to thank Dr. Science for me. Now it makes sense. It played HANIBAL no problem. (No subliminal message necessary). But then when I tried to watch HORSE WHISPERER that's when the devil showed his horns. I fear with the local witch doctor out of town. (Black magic seminar) That I may have no choice but to schedule a seance at the "Church of Theta" Wish me luck and please pray for my poor poor DaViD.

I don't suppose a little holy water would help at this point?

I've experienced a similar problem that may (read MAY) be solved by simply powering the player down, and then unplugging it for a few minutes and plugging it back in. My player exhibited this problem about a week after it was out of warranty (about 9 months ago). It started out by refusing to read the occasional dis (although it never locked or froze in the middle of discs-this problem may be related to something else) and over the course of a couple of weeks got to the point of not reading anything. My owner's manual actually suggest unplugging the player in the trouble shooting section (but who reads manuals!), as this essentially reboots or resets the player. I still run into the odd situation where the player freezes when I load a disc, maybe once every month or two, and unplugging it and plugging it back in solves the problem. I would also suggest cleaning every rental DVD with some kind of a commercial cleaner, as most of these discs don't look too good to me. I clean every one I rent, plus treat them with Auric Illuminator, and in 2 years of heavy use (both CD and DVD), I've only had 2 movies that froze in the middle of playback.