King of the one liners

5 out of 4 men in my family have trouble with fractions.

My favorite Dangerfield: "I sat down at the bar, bartender says 'what'll ya have?' I say 'surprise me.' He shows me a naked picture of my sister."

W.C. Fields on drinking: "Once, we were lost for 3 weeks in the darkest Congo with nothing to live on but food and water".

Minkwelder, of course not. He wanted to see what it felt like to hail a cab.

Irishman says, "My wife is driving me to drink." His friend replies, "You're lucky, my wife makes me walk."

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest member she had ever laid her hands on. I said, "You're pulling my leg."

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice! At least I presume she was poor, she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt. Do you think I should change dentists?

A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said, "How can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother's got a mustache."